Snape's Quest for Underpants
by intelligence777
Summary: Snape is on a quest to find and deliver Dumbledore's underwear to Lord Voldemort.
1. Chapter 1

_(NOTE: ONLY 30043 Magical Creatures were hurt in the making of this story.)_

"_Oh why…why did the dark lord make me do such a thing?"_thought Snape as he searched through Dumbledore's wardrobes. He remembered that night…

_ "You….Severus…..my most trusted servant…you must retrieve something for me…." Voldemort whispered in his attempt-to-be evil voice. "Is it the prophecy, my lord?" Snape replied. "No….something…..much…much…..more powerful…" Voldemort once again whispered in a lamely sinsiter voice. "What….what is it?" Snape asked, curiously. "Dumbldore's…Albus Dumbledore's…underwear…."Voldemmort said in an epic voice. "WHAT THE-"_

_(NOTE: THE LAST PART WAS CUT OFF DUE TO BAD LANGUAGE ISSUES. THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY IS CURRENTLY IN JAIL FOR ABUSING FANFICTION AND FOR TAKING DRUGS.)_

Then, something caught Snape's eye. A Purple and Green Barney underwear! Target aquired! Snape snatched it, but found some brown, murky stuff stuck on it. "Elch!" Snape cried as he flung the underwear out the window of Hogwarts. "Oops…." Snape leaped out of the window like some sort of superhero, and posed like one for about half a second in the air before dropping into a rubbish can in the Hogwarts Courtyard.

Just perfect, Snape thought as he heard a crack somewhere in his thigh. He half hopped, half walked out of the bin, collapsing on his face, landing in something that the author could not describe, and believed that the readers did not need to know about. Snape ran across the courtyard, searching for the underwear. "Where are you underwear? Come out!" Snape cried. Professor Flitwick eyed him amusingly from his room about, and then took out his video camera. "Time for some blackmailing…" Filius thought.

Snape then ran into Harry, Hermione and Ron. Snape quickly hid behind a bush, and eyed the three of them suspisciously. Ron was holding the underwear! "I wonder whose this is….." wondered Ron. "Probably Snape's." Harry remarked and the two of them snickered. Snape turned red behind the bush. Hermione examined the underwear closely, and said "This brown, murky substance…seems to have been touched by a human hand…I wonder-". Snape ended her speech there, and jumped out after clearing his throat. "What are you three doing outside on a day like this…?" Snape asked. All three of them looked above, and the sun was shining brightly, as if to prove Snape wrong. "Did you just jump out of a bush after watching us?" Ron asked. Snape turned to answer but was interrupted. "PEDOFILE!" Harry screamed as he and Ron took off. Hermione dropped the underwear and took off, screaming "RONALD BILLIUS WEASLEY! ARE YOU JUST GOING TO LEAVE ME HERE!"

Snape sighed, and was about to pick up the underwear when the wind blew it on his face, and then away into the building. As Snape entered the hall, he found Cedric holding the underwear. "Great piece of work isn't it?" Cedric asked with his annoying champion kind of smile that makes Twilight fans over the world faint. Snape, tired of games, said lazily, "Accio Vampire." And suddenly a blood-sucking, living corpse dropped from the ceiling, landing flat on the ground. "Aargh!" Cedric cried and was bit by the vampire, then got dragged into the Twilight world, the worst fate ever.

But Snape's quest was not yet over. As he bent over to reach for the underwear, it flew over to a Time Turner. "Oh no…..oh no, oh no, oh no….." Snape mumbled as he slowly approached the underwear. Neither the underwear nor the Time Turner moved. Snape sighed and tried to grasp the piece of clothing. No such luck. A sudden change of wind made the underwear brush the Time Turner controls. Snape quickly tried to snatch the underwear but then….the Time Turner activated, and Snape and the underwear plummeted into oblivion, to a time long before.


	2. Chapter 2: The Prehistoric Ages

**XD Thank for the reviewers SaDiablo19 and Ice Water Moon for reviewing. Here's your answer, Ice. Review if you want to take part in the creating of the ending. This was sent from my ipad6 from prison.**

Snape slowly opened his eyes. Where was he? Huh? Snape discovered he was wearing a caveman toga and armed with a club rather than his normal, stinky, old cloak and wand. Fern trees and Giant piles of brown, icky dung was everywhere. He turned around just in time to see the underwear fly into a bush. Snape leaped into the bush, which actually hid a secret tunnel behind it. Snape wriggled and crawled through the tunnel, which was way too cramped for some demented white old guy and reached the other end to find the underwear in the hands of a mighty creature. "I am Voldysaurus, king of all dinosaurs!" cried the monster that held Dumbledore's underwear. Voldysaurus sniffed the underwear, seemed to like it and swallowed it. "NO!" cried Snape and the potions master leaped into the mouth of You-Know-What(Voldy's nickname) and jumped down its throat. There he found several small raptors and dinosaurs that resembled some people he knew. Ignoring them, he grabbed the underwear and wriggled back out.

Snape discovered that the Voldysaurus was battling against a Dumblodocus(You guys might not know what a Diplodocus is. It's actually a dinosaur ), a Triceratonks, a prehistoric Crocodilupin and a Barney. Suddenly, a Fenrirsaurus appeared and bit the Crocodilupin, and slowly it turned into a furry, wolfy creature. The Fenrirsaurus started attacking the Crocodilupin, which attacked back. Barney started singing "I hate you, you hate me. Let's all go and kill Voldy. With a great big shotgun, body on the floor. No more Voldy anymore." The Voldysaurus, Dumblodocus and Triceratonks died of fright and so did Crocodilupin ad Fenrirsaurus. The Barney got arrested for damaging fanfiction and causing havoc in the world and is currently forced to participate in a children's show. Snape took the chance to take the underwear, but instead, it blew into the timeturner again. Snape automatically leaped towards the time turner, which made once again, turned. Snape closed his eyes once again and prepared for lift-off.

Snape was now in a battlefield in the Colessium of Rome, in a gladiator costume. Snape took out his wand, which had transformed into a sword this time. Snape turned around and saw….Elmo! "HAWOO BOYS AND GIRLS! TODAY, WE'RE HERE TO TEACH HOW TO RAPE, WITH A LIVE SPECIMEN, THIS SMELLY OLD GUY." the furry red creature screamed. Snape cowered in fear(Yeah, try to imagine that! ) as the crimson rapist approached. Elmo took out this giant hammer and put it in one hand. "That's unfair!" Snape cried as he dueled with Elmo. Elmo smashed him and pummeled him, knocking him into the air. Snape tried to roll and dodge but failed. Finally, with Severus on the ground, Elmo took out his **** and pushed it in Snape's ***. ***********************************************************************.

(The above scene has been censored due to inappropriate descriptions.)

"See kids?" Elmo smiled brightly, "First, you put the bee inside the beehive, and the bee goes in and out to produce some pollen. In other words, you **** the hell out of some mother*****s." Snape felt sick. He felt like going to the toilet. He pushed and pushed and finally…an egg popped out. "What the ****?" Elmo cried as the egg started cracking. "That isn't physically possible! He's a man and AH!" A giant ugly, old, furry, red cyclops appeared and ate Elmo. And then it eyed Snape. Snape suddenly had a wave of tremor over him. But then…. "MOMMY!" the cyclops cried as it hugged the air out of Snape. He threw Snape and the underwear into the time turner and you guessed it. They were sent to another time.

TO BE CONTINUED

Tell me if I should put in more jokes or what guys! I don't own Harry Potter or Barney or Elmo, cause if I did, I would be testing out the affects of Elmo raping Snape right now.


End file.
